I Really, Truly Wish Carpets Didn’t Exist

It’s another day in the Billock household, and another day scrubbing away at a ratty old carpet — one that used to be pretty darn plush, by the way — to get out yet another stain left behind by my elderly dog. He can’t help it; he has degenerative myelopathy, which is a disorder that leads to weakness and paralysis in the hind quarters. That means more accidents in the house, which means more scrubbing of this carpet.

I suppose the fault is mine. I actively hate carpets, but signed a lease on an apartment rife with them anyway. My living situation was rapidly deteriorating and I needed to get out, so I didn’t have a choice. Sometimes you make subpar decisions when you have to make them quickly.

My dog’s specific situation is not the only reason I hate carpets, though. Let me count the whys, exclusively for your enjoyment.

OK, hear me out on this. If you have a high-pile carpet and drop something tiny, like a straight pin or a small nail without noticing, you’re going to get stabbed. You will never see that pointy menace again until it’s stuck in your foot. And if some of the carpet has worn away and the tack strips are poking through? Stabby. They snag, too, which can trap your baby toe and be pretty painful. Plus, they’re dangerous for animals. My dog once got really excited playing, then caught his nail on the carpet weave — and it ripped that sucker right out. There was blood everywhere. Which leads me to my next point:

Have you ever tried to get a massive blood puddle out of a carpet? It’s not easy. That also goes for wine, Diet Coke, nail polish, pizza grease, and any of the other myriad things that get spilled in a household. Sure, you can get a personal-use carpet cleaner, but they’re not the most user-friendly. They’re big and bulky, which also makes storing them pretty tough. And carpet cleaning companies? I’ve never been satisfied by one. Reputable ones are hard to find, and the best are also the most expensive. 

I’m a nagger. And I know this because I nag, all the time, about things falling on to carpet. Munching on Doritos? Careful not to get crumbs in the rug. The people I love are equally as particular about not letting stuff fall into a carpet’s threaded embrace. And you know who’s also pretty picky about carpet quality? Landlords. They’ll keep that security deposit from you in a hot second if there’s a single spot on your rented carpet.

Hardwood is beautiful. It has character: knots and streaks and natural patterns. Hardwood also stands the test of time. It’s not the victim of shag, awful color choices, or outdated patterns. When you have hardwood floors, you’re not stuck with a yucky design you might’ve loved 10 years ago, but now looks like the early 2000s vomited all over your floor.

Wood floors are good, better, and best. Do the right thing, friends. Say no to carpets.